You Can’t Wrap
Paper Around a Fire
You can tell someone “good job,” and they might smile.
But when someone says it at the exact moment you feel empty, it hits different. It feels like fuel.
And maybe that is why encouragement feels so rare, yet so powerful.
We crave it, but most of us are not used to receiving it.
Today’s Cantonese saying gives language to that longing.
The Story Behind “Add Oil”
The phrase 加油 (jiāyóu) literally means “add oil.”
Its roots go back to Qing Dynasty China, when a government official named Zhang Ying spent thirteen years sending servants through his village each night with oil lamps.
Whenever they saw a flicker of candlelight in a student’s window, they knocked and refilled the student’s lamp so he could keep studying. He could not take the exam for them. But he could add oil to keep them going. So he did, again and again.
Over time, “add oil” became a shorthand for encouragement.
A way of saying, I believe in you. I support you. Don’t give up. Keep going.
Today, if you walk into a sports stadium in Hong Kong, you will hear crowds chanting it rhythmically, almost like music.
“Jiāyóu! Jiāyóu!”
Why Encouragement Feels Like Fuel
Most of us carry a running commentary in our heads of quiet criticism, old comparisons, and things we wish we had done differently. So when someone speaks to us with belief or warmth, even briefly, it cuts through the static.
It gives us a moment of relief, like a lamp getting refilled before the flame dies out.
Encouragement does not erase our challenges.
But it changes how heavy they feel.
It is the reminder: You matter. What you do matters. Don’t give up.
And because we are not used to hearing it, the words land with even more weight.
Why Criticism Comes Quickly
Have you noticed how fast a critical thought shows up?
You walk into a room and the mind goes straight to what is off.
“That’s late.”
“That could be better.”
“They did that wrong.”
Modern life trains us to scan for problems. Work reviews, grades, comments online, and our own internal voice. The spotlight lands on what is missing, not on what is growing.
Encouragement asks for something different.
Encouragement says, “Pause for a second. Look again. Where is the effort? Where is the progress? Where is the good that almost went unnoticed?”
That slower posture feels uncomfortable for a lot of us. We crave encouragement, and at the same time, many of us feel awkward giving it. We do not want to sound fake or cheesy. We worry the words will come out wrong. So we say nothing.
Meanwhile, most people walk through the day running on low fuel.
They are trying.
They are tired.
They are not hearing much that refills them.
They do not need a three-minute speech or a perfect phrase.
One simple, honest sentence can shift the whole day.
How We Grow In Giving Encouragement
Even in loving homes, encouragement often comes with gaps.
Joyce grew up in a family where love moved through hands more than through words.
A bowl of cut fruit waited on the table.
Another dumpling landed in her bowl.
A coat appeared in her arms before she stepped out the door.
Care showed up, no question. The message underneath sounded like, “We want you full, warm, safe.” At the same time, a younger Joyce sometimes wished for a direct line like, “We’re proud of you,” or “You did that really well.”
Joe’s childhood sounded different. Encouragement came out of people’s mouths more often, but in broad strokes.
“Good job.”
“Nice work.”
“Proud of you, man.”
Those phrases mattered, but they floated on the surface. Little Joe sometimes wanted someone to say, “Here is what you did well. Here is what we see in you.”
Two families. Two forms of care. Both sincere but with room to grow.
Most people carry some version of this story. Maybe your home tilted more toward silence. Maybe adults praised grades, but never character. Maybe everyone joked around, but no one slowed down long enough to name something specific and good in you.
The point is not to blame those spaces. They gave what they knew.
The point is to notice the gaps so we can grow.
Encouragement does not require perfect wording or expert timing. Growth in this area comes down to one habit: notice, then name.
You might ask yourself:
What effort do I see this person making right now?
Where do I see growth that they may not see yet?
What small gesture, message, or sentence would say, “I see you, keep going”?
That might sound like:
“Hey, I noticed you stayed late to finish that.”
“I appreciate how patient you were in that conversation.”
“Your consistency here really helps the rest of us.”
Nothing fancy. Just specific and honest.
Often that one sentence stays with a person far longer than you realize.
Tonight, Someone Needs A Little Oil
Somewhere in your world, someone is studying by a dim lamp.
Maybe that lamp is an actual desk light over homework, or a glow from a laptop with too many tabs open. Maybe it is a quiet kind of effort no one sees, like caring for kids, ailing parents, a thankless entry-level position, or restarting after a setback.
That person may look fine from the outside. But inside, the flame feels small.
They do not need a dramatic moment or a big speech.
They need a small refill.
A human reminder: “You are not invisible. I see how hard you are trying.”
Encouragement in that moment might look like a short message, a voice note, a text, a hand on a shoulder, a snack placed on a desk, a quick, “I know this is a lot, and you are doing really well.”
A drop of oil.
When Zhang Ying sent lamps and oil to those students, he did not change their entire future with one act. He simply made it easier to keep going that night.
You can do the same, in your own way.
Somebody in your circle needs that small refill.
You might already know who comes to mind first.
TALK ABOUT IT
Why do you think it feels easier to criticize than to encourage
Who has “added oil” to your life in small, specific ways recently?
What is one piece of encouragement you still remember, even years later?
THINK ABOUT IT
When was the last time you stopped yourself from encouraging someone because it felt awkward or too vulnerable?
What kind of encouragement do you need (acts of kindness, words, etc)?
Who in your life might be studying late under a dim lamp and could use a little oil this week?
AFFIRMATION
A line to carry with you:
Encouragement feels small in the moment, but it reaches deeper than we imagine.
A simple affirmation you can repeat:
“I have the power to notice others, offer my words freely, and add a little oil where it’s needed.”
